Phillip Coonskin Leaves Bush Administration

Phillip A. Coonskin . . . what, it's Cooney? Oh, shit.

Last year's stirring Hollywood drama, "The Day after Tomorrow", gave us a glimpse into the world's future. Instead of filling our minds with silly ideas like auto emissions, industrial pollution, and global warming, we should be focusing our attention on the impending Ice Age. Fortunately, the American government realized this years ago and has been protecting our fragile planet by shunning international accords such as the Kyoto Protocol on climate change and relegating the concept of global warming to "junk science" status. One of the crafters of this masterful bit of logic was Phillip A. Cooney, a former science policy official of the Bush administration. Now don't misunderstand, he is no scientist nor does he have any scientific background at all. He merely made important scientific decisions as a part of his job. Having previously served as a lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute, Mr. Cooney was brought on board the Bush team to set the record straight about global warming. As a science policy wonk, it was his responsibility to soften the language used in government reports. Here is an example:

Pre-Cooney statement: "Greenhouse gasses, such as carbon monoxide, have a negative effect on the environment and contribute to global warming."

Post-Cooney "revised" statement: "I am not a scientist but George Bush lets me pretend that I am."

After a successful stint in the field of science policy-making, Mr. Cooney has decided to move on. While our nation will miss his remarkable insights into climate change and the future of Earth, we must somehow struggle on. Mr. Cooney will lend his talents to Exxon-Mobil, a force for environmental good in the world, where he has found a new job. Maybe, just maybe, we can churn out enough noxious gases to keep our planet warm enough to stave off the next Ice Age. Good luck, Mr. Cooney, and God bless you.